Prenancy Doesn't Make You Divine... 12:13 PM

Yeah, we get it - You're pregnant. BIG FUCKING DEAL. It's not like you went to school for three years and had to take some excruciating multi-day certification. It's not like you saved a Golden Retriever puppy from getting run over by a bus load of Norwegian tourists. It's not like you cured macular degeneration. YOU SPREAD YOUR LEGS AND TOOK A MAN-MUSTARD INJECTION... Wow. Way to go. I am amazed you made it through such a mentally and physically demanding challenge that probably lasted all of 45 seconds (either natural or lab-grown.)

And now we are suppose to fawn all over you. We are suppose to act like it's so incredibly difficult to get pregnant, and that you are now this pristine chalice of life -Something that deserves to be worshiped and adored.

Feel sick in the mornings? Do your feet hurt cause they are swelling? Gotta buy new clothes because you are 12 weeks along and have already put on 19 pounds? NOT MY PROBLEM. Do your job like you are suppose to and shut the hell up already.

…Oh btw - Quit using your pregnancy as an excuse to stuff your gullet each and every chance you get. When you proudly stand up at the staff party and announce that "The baby wants" an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Super Fudge Chunk, a liter of Dr. Pepper, some curly fries THEN TELL THE BABY TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Now what exactly do I have to look forward to for the next two or three years..? A constant stream of verbal diarrhea such as "little Bobby went to the toilet and pooped all by himself - But he forgot to wipe and then sat on the floor to pull his pants up! It was so precious, but there was poop everywhere!" or “I'm sorry I'm 40 minutes late, you see I have a four-year-old in potty training and we had an accident." or "I don't feel comfortable doing the speed limit, my baby is only two months old - You can go around." FUCK YOU.

Two years after that and now I'm stuck behind you at the concession stand - And guess what? You feel it's important to empower your child. It doesn't matter that there are nine people behind you, you want little Bobby to make his own choice when it comes to artificially flavored processed movie snacks. By God, Bobby is special. He must be because that’s what all the Nike commercials say. There is only one Bobby and he is different from every other person on this earth. He is special by God, and he will be raised knowing he is special. And now, little Bobby has been standing there with his little index finger in his little mouth, staring at all the choices for the last FULL minute. But you aren't the type of parent to acknowledge the fact that many people are waiting for little Bobby to make up his little mind. You don't say something like "Hurry and choose something or I will choose for you" or even better “Other people are waiting, make up your mind” - Not you. Instead, you turn to the sea of humanity that has formed a marginally cohesive line behind you and look at them with an 'I'm sure you all understand' look. FUCK YOU. You are the same people that just can't put their cell phone conversation on hold for 20 seconds while you order your venti no-whip-half-caff almond latte and spinach croissant - Instead you make eye contact with the waiter and raise that index finger. The index finger which happens to be the international signal for 'I am a socially retarded fuckhead.'

One time I saw an interview with Hootie (of the Blowfish), with his wife. It was a lovely 'What does Hootie and his wife do when he's at home and not packing fans into concerts at 20 or 30% of capacity' piece on some lame ass afternoon news biopic show. Anyway Hootie’s wife starts talking about kids and how they are such a miracle and (now she is actually tearing up) and she just can't understand how anyone wouldn't want to have children and HOW SHE JUST FEELS SORRY FOR THOSE PEOPLE. Oh yes honey, feel sorry for us. Obviously we are emotionally fractured because we don't share the same fervent desire to add our particular goo to this world's collective semen cesspool...

I don't hate children. I hate the parents that think they are entitled because they have children...

(Credit and hearty THX to the unstoppable lame-dar of this visionary)

Stop it. STOP IT NOW. 3:28 PM

How's your blood pressure been lately? Not high enough? Do you find yourself not twitching and shaking with sheer lame-induced fury not nearly as much as you would like? If so, please click here



Warning: You will be assaulted with highly offensive levels of LAME.

Dear River What'sHerFuckFromFelicity, get a haircut and a job you damn hippie. This is a phase, a phase that most of us went through while we were, ya know, teething. That shit is so 5-7 months. Not cute.





And while we're at it I am so not feeling Honor Marie Warren's swagger here. She looks like the type who squeals at her own jokes.

L to the A-M-E. More to come.

Lame Baby Boom 8:48 PM

Okay, Babywatchers, the jig is up. The year 2008 is almost over, and I feel as if we blinked and a year of lame baby critical mass has almost gone unchecked. In the words of anti-baby crusader Jennifer Aniston this is a very UNCOOL reality. Although we at YBIL are all about helpful constructive criticism and giving all babies a fair shake, it is a known fact that lame sperm and lame eggs produce lame babies. And 2008 has been all about lame baby fever. Lame HIGH PROFILE baby fever.

And enough is enough.

Do the names Honor Marie, Bronx Mogwli and Sunday Rose mean anything to you?

We can't let this new crop of lame babies pull this kind of sneaky crap right under our noses.

So hitch up your Huggies Pull-Ups because it's gonna be a year of taking out the trash, YBIL style.

Stay tuned.

does your insurance cover LAME? 1:36 PM

What ad wizards thought this campaign was a good idea? Babies and Life Insurance? What the Fuck? I hope who ever creatively cast this spell on lame adverstising got fired. Did the board meeting discussion sound something like this "Hey boss, what better way to lure potential customers than to use babies making silly faces? Everyone loves babies and silly baby faces!" Wrong, dorkus. This ad does nothing to promote purchasing life insurance. It only reiterates the falsified claim that babies can get away with anything, including lame silly faces and advertising. Oh and by the way Life insurance is just another form of gambling. You pay into a system that doesn't want to you to collect should at one point you or your loved ones need the money in the future.

We've been over this. 12:23 AM

The last thing we need is a bunch of Anne Geddes first round rejects climbing into pots and jumping in front of cameras just to validate their worth as babies. Baby Tip #104: Understated dignity is key. Life is not a free downloadable screensaver from annegeddes.com.

The Gospel of LAME. 11:37 AM

Baby Preacher - watch more funny videos

So the kid's speaking in tongues. Great. La de frickin da. How do you say "ATTENTION WHORE" in ancient Aramaic? The sermon is mediocre at best on style points, but seriously lacks substance. You're no Ted Haggard, baby, and that is a damned lame combination. Eternally damned, potentially. I give this baby 6, 8 months max before a meth scandal blows up in his face. Place your bets now at lamebabywatch@yourbabyislame.com

We here at YBIL are all for promoting religious tolerance, but what we will NOT tolerate is using the pulpit to proselytize the gospel of LAME, non inspiring, non life enriching or affirming, strictly attention whoring shenanigans such as this one. But it is important to remember, babywatchers, that this is not about judging. It is about redemption. This child needs guidance. Patience, babywatchers. God and Godette work in mysterious ways.

Twice as lame in cellophane 11:05 PM

Unlike homemade cookies or aromatherapy candles, lameness is not something that needs to be kept fresh in cellophane. Also babies, I hope you remembered to poke airhols. This is deeply unsafe, and babies, safety is always "in". Dangerous predicaments are always lame, especially when they are self imposed. Why? Because my tax dollars are paying for the fire brigade that will inevitably have to come to save your ass. And the ER visit. Not to mention the lame publicity blitz that follows. So next time you decide to enclose yourself in cellophane just do it on your own time. We suffer from occasional lame induced seizures. Baby Tip #79: Help asphyxiate lameness by being considerate for once.