Friday, September 7, 2012

Sicko Craps in Public

Many "kid-friendly" eateries out there kindly provide booster seats and high chairs to any vertically-challenged, postfetal blob-person who waddles through their door - despite the fact that they always order off-menu and never - NEVER - tip properly. Anyone who has worked as a waiter knows how deeply lame this is, yet long-suffering restaurant workers put up with it. God bless you all, restaurant workers!
Well the good staff and patrons of Thanksgiving Point Deli in Utah were in for the dry heave of a lifetime when this weirdo whips out what everyone assumed to be a standard high chair. Moments later, however, trou was dropped and the perp carried on munching on fish sticks like it was NBD. It was then that patrons realized the sickening truth: This was not a booster seat, but a portable shit box.
By the time the staff allowed reality to sink in, the baby in question had packed up and gone on its way.   Is this simply the most thoughtless lame baby we've seen yet? Or does this baby have some kind of SICK OBSESSION with crapping in restaurants while others unsuspectingly dine? We can only assume the latter.

Got a lame baby to report? Email (yes, Yahoo! motherfuckers!) while we get our act together with our domain. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

SF Summer Festivals

YBIL Webmaster and senior field reporter attempted to get into the spirit of the whole San Francisco 2012 festival summer season without having to abandon the city to burn a strange man in a crusty desert like so many other San Franciscans. They trolled the three-day music and comedy festival at Golden Gate Park known as "Outside Lands" a few weekends ago. Staffers tried to ride waves on tasty music, awesome stage visuals and amazing people watching. However, one thing they were not counting on was sharing concert space with lame babies. It’s not cool to share premium lawn space with irksome babies. These dream killers ended up sponging all the pleasant bubbles of hallucinogen freak-outs and smoke friendlies. We couldn’t drop swears cuz everywhere some hipster baby acting all as if. Then getting eye rolled by hackneyed parents who can’t wait to tell said infantister when they get their older first concert was Outside Lands 2012. I don't know where these babies get off thinking they can enjoy the rock n' roll element. Babies do not belong at concerts. FACT.
Take for instance this smug-hipster-in-training baby wearing this ironic slogan t-shirt, "Dept of Awesome Established by Me". Sorry, baby, no such department exists, anywhere. You won’t get pitted off that slogan. And if that department existed a baby would not run it. Nor would it produce annoyingly sloganed tees promoting said department. My guess is the department would run out of money or get seized by investors for failure to deliver on said mission statement of being awesome. Furthermore, this baby has phenomenally lame taste in music. We caught baby red handed dancing along to a poor man's Maroon Five on one of the more forgettable passerby stages. We all know Maroon Five is all colors of jackass. Unfortunately we all got un-consensual ear molested by this terrible band waiting for one of our field reporters before heading to a more reputable stage.
At least the parents of this next culprit thought slightly higher of fellow adult concertgoers’ experience and put their baby in a travel prison case. Thus allowing concert mellow to remain unharshed and temporarily unbabied. Summer festival season has a long ways to go and hopefully it won’t be populated by anymore lame babies.