Friday, December 12, 2008

Lame Baby Boom

Okay, Babywatchers, the jig is up. The year 2008 is almost over, and I feel as if we blinked and a year of lame baby critical mass has almost gone unchecked. In the words of anti-baby crusader Jennifer Aniston this is a very UNCOOL reality. Although we at YBIL are all about helpful constructive criticism and giving all babies a fair shake, it is a known fact that lame sperm and lame eggs produce lame babies. And 2008 has been all about lame baby fever. Lame HIGH PROFILE baby fever.

And enough is enough.

Do the names Honor Marie, Bronx Mogwli and Sunday Rose mean anything to you?

We can't let this new crop of lame babies pull this kind of sneaky crap right under our noses.

So hitch up your Huggies Pull-Ups because it's gonna be a year of taking out the trash, YBIL style.

Stay tuned.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

does your insurance cover LAME?

What ad wizards thought this campaign was a good idea? Babies and Life Insurance? What the Fuck? I hope who ever creatively cast this spell on lame adverstising got fired. Did the board meeting discussion sound something like this "Hey boss, what better way to lure potential customers than to use babies making silly faces? Everyone loves babies and silly baby faces!" Wrong, dorkus. This ad does nothing to promote purchasing life insurance. It only reiterates the falsified claim that babies can get away with anything, including lame silly faces and advertising. Oh and by the way Life insurance is just another form of gambling. You pay into a system that doesn't want to you to collect should at one point you or your loved ones need the money in the future.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

We've been over this.

The last thing we need is a bunch of Anne Geddes first round rejects climbing into pots and jumping in front of cameras just to validate their worth as babies. Baby Tip #104: Understated dignity is key. Life is not a free downloadable screensaver from

Saturday, August 30, 2008

The Gospel of LAME.

So the kid's speaking in tongues. Great. La de frickin da. How do you say "ATTENTION WHORE" in ancient Aramaic? The sermon is mediocre at best on style points, but seriously lacks substance. You're no Ted Haggard, baby, and that is a damned lame combination. Eternally damned, potentially. I give this baby 6, 8 months max before a meth scandal blows up in his face. Place your bets now at

We here at YBIL are all for promoting religious tolerance, but what we will NOT tolerate is using the pulpit to proselytize the gospel of LAME, non inspiring, non life enriching or affirming, strictly attention whoring shenanigans such as this one. But it is important to remember, babywatchers, that this is not about judging. It is about redemption. This child needs guidance. Patience, babywatchers. God and Godette work in mysterious ways.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Twice as lame in cellophane

Unlike homemade cookies or aromatherapy candles, lameness is not something that needs to be kept fresh in cellophane. Also babies, I hope you remembered to poke airhols. This is deeply unsafe, and babies, safety is always "in". Dangerous predicaments are always lame, especially when they are self imposed. Why? Because my tax dollars are paying for the fire brigade that will inevitably have to come to save your ass. And the ER visit. Not to mention the lame publicity blitz that follows. So next time you decide to enclose yourself in cellophane just do it on your own time. We suffer from occasional lame induced seizures. Baby Tip #79: Help asphyxiate lameness by being considerate for once.

Friday, July 4, 2008

we are doomed

"In a future time
Children will work together"

says this cryptic captioneer. What is unspoken but starkly obvious is that these youngsters will be working towards a common goal all right: a common goal of breaking some obscure Guiness world record for number of lameOs crammed into one vacant lot, as evidenced by this convoy of stupid hats and brainless waving at no one particular (baby on the left in the red stroller, I'm looking at you).

Where is this Independence Day parade taking place, the parking lot of a Giant Eagle? Although, in a way, it may be preferable to centralize and isolate these babies in such a manner, so as to more efficiently quarantine and treat the situation.

Baby Tip #59: If you come across a lame baby, please attempt to usher them into a dark corner or onto a remote lot, out of sight, and then contact us immediately.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Lord of the Lame

Baby, I've seen spicier moves at Mormon wedding receptions. But lame moves nonwithstanding (we can't all move like YBIL officials, after all) it should also be noted that your bastardization of Irish culture is quite offensive to us, on a personal level. In fact your flagrant bastardization of the traditional Irish way is enough to make Michael Flatley blush. You're supposed to keep your arms stiffly AT YOUR SIDES. FYI,

Without that feature you are just flailing around like an imperialistic, borderline sociopathic jerkface.

You know, all of our staff here at YBIL, combined, make almost one whole person of Irish descent, and that cumulative person is feeling fairly culturally marginalized by your brushing off of tradition.

Here's a gift certificate to Bennigan's, lameO. Use it to buy a Blarney Blast, and as you funnel it into your sippy cup, think long and hard about how you have made others feel, and what you have potentially done to civilization.