YBIL Webmaster and senior field reporter attempted to get into the spirit of the whole San Francisco 2012 festival summer season without having to abandon the city to burn a strange man in a crusty desert like so many other San Franciscans. They trolled the three-day music and comedy festival at Golden Gate Park known as "Outside Lands" a few weekends ago.
Staffers tried to ride waves on tasty music, awesome stage visuals and amazing people watching. However, one thing they were not counting on was sharing concert space with lame babies. It’s not cool to share premium lawn space with irksome babies.
These dream killers ended up sponging all the pleasant bubbles of hallucinogen freak-outs and smoke friendlies. We couldn’t drop swears cuz everywhere some hipster baby acting all as if. Then getting eye rolled by hackneyed parents who can’t wait to tell said infantister when they get their older first concert was Outside Lands 2012. I don't know where these babies get off thinking they can enjoy the rock n' roll element. Babies do not belong at concerts. FACT.
Take for instance this smug-hipster-in-training baby wearing this ironic slogan t-shirt, "Dept of Awesome Established by Me". Sorry, baby, no such department exists, anywhere. You won’t get pitted off that slogan. And if that department existed a baby would not run it. Nor would it produce annoyingly sloganed tees promoting said department. My guess is the department would run out of money or get seized by investors for failure to deliver on said mission statement of being awesome. Furthermore, this baby has phenomenally lame taste in music. We caught baby red handed dancing along to a poor man's Maroon Five on one of the more forgettable passerby stages. We all know Maroon Five is all colors of jackass. Unfortunately we all got un-consensual ear molested by this terrible band waiting for one of our field reporters before heading to a more reputable stage.
At least the parents of this next culprit thought slightly higher of fellow adult concertgoers’ experience and put their baby in a travel prison case. Thus allowing concert mellow to remain unharshed and temporarily unbabied. Summer festival season has a long ways to go and hopefully it won’t be populated by anymore lame babies.
See, people keep thinking that we don't love babies. Let us set the record straight: we love babies. Freakin' love them. Cool babies, that is. It's the lame ones that are just ruining the whole thing for everybody. So we decided to do something about it.
Sure... we understand that a baby's lameness is the considerable fault of its parents; but we aren't here to figure out those minute distinctions of blame. No - we here at YBIL are simply here to give our totally uber lame baby friends a little constructive criticism. And that's what this is all about: helping fix the problem, not just complaining about it. Because we love babies, and we are not complainers.