Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Twice as lame in cellophane

Unlike homemade cookies or aromatherapy candles, lameness is not something that needs to be kept fresh in cellophane. Also babies, I hope you remembered to poke airhols. This is deeply unsafe, and babies, safety is always "in". Dangerous predicaments are always lame, especially when they are self imposed. Why? Because my tax dollars are paying for the fire brigade that will inevitably have to come to save your ass. And the ER visit. Not to mention the lame publicity blitz that follows. So next time you decide to enclose yourself in cellophane just do it on your own time. We suffer from occasional lame induced seizures. Baby Tip #79: Help asphyxiate lameness by being considerate for once.

Friday, July 4, 2008

we are doomed

"In a future time
Children will work together"

says this cryptic captioneer. What is unspoken but starkly obvious is that these youngsters will be working towards a common goal all right: a common goal of breaking some obscure Guiness world record for number of lameOs crammed into one vacant lot, as evidenced by this convoy of stupid hats and brainless waving at no one particular (baby on the left in the red stroller, I'm looking at you).

Where is this Independence Day parade taking place, the parking lot of a Giant Eagle? Although, in a way, it may be preferable to centralize and isolate these babies in such a manner, so as to more efficiently quarantine and treat the situation.

Baby Tip #59: If you come across a lame baby, please attempt to usher them into a dark corner or onto a remote lot, out of sight, and then contact us immediately.